How often do you find yourself saying yes to something you wish you hadn’t? Or how about entertaining that family member that always seems to “drop by for a visit” without calling first? What about the friend that constantly comes to you for a small loan until payday? These scenarios are just a small glimpse of things I have had to deal with in my life. And for the longest time, I was the “good friend”, putting up with the insanity. I found myself stressed and often resentful that I was allowing these situations to continue. I kicked myself every time I agreed to help on a project to avoid disappointing others. I’ve even peaked through curtains and turned down my music to avoid having to answer the doorbell. I nearly reached my emotional limit when I finally realized that I needed to set some boundaries in my life.
“Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do” ~ Rachel Wolchin
It’s time that we faced some cold hard truths ladies! No matter how much we want to, we simply cannot change other people. So if you are still trying to change that man, give it up! Move on if he is not giving you the respect you deserve. If your so-called best friend keeps putting your business on front street, red flags should be alerting you to the validity of your friendship. Stop telling that woman all of your business! Thinking that this behavior will suddenly correct itself will cause you unnecessary stress. Continuing to put up with this behavior means that you care more about the other person’s feelings than your own. It also sends the person a message, that they can continue to treat you this way.
I remember when I used to live in New York with my mother and great-aunt. Three generations of women who could barely tolerate each other, all living in the same home. From the moment I walked into the house, I was faced with hostility and confusion. As a young female just out of high school, there were few choices available to me to change my current environment. Even going away to college didn’t solve the problem because it was waiting for me when I returned home. All I knew was that I was not going to tolerate this shit when I got older. Ladies, don’t you deserve a bit of peace and harmony in your life? My sista, please know that what you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will receive!
Boundaries Are Not Meant to be Punishments
Let me ask you a question, ladies. As you read this post, what is the strongest emotion you are feeling right now? While there are no right or wrong answers, I would venture to think that many of you responded with guilt. And for many of you, that feeling of guilt will be strong and lasting. You will tell yourself, “maybe I shouldn’t do this”, or “am I being too hard on him/her?”. Well let me put it like this…the more guilt you feel, the deeper the problem, and the stronger the reason is to set some boundaries. You see, you are not feeling guilty because you have set boundaries in your life. You are actually feeling guilting because the other person now has to make some changes they were not prepared to make. To them, boundaries feel like a punishment. But for you my sista, it’s freedom.
Before you can begin to set boundaries in your life, you must be able to identify your triggers. Basically, what pisses you off? What are you comfortable with? Are there things you can be flexible about? What are your ultimate deal breakers? Think about your mental, emotional and spiritual limits. Say them out loud or write them down. My spiritual mother used to tell me, “baby, pull out your yardstick when dealing with folks”. She was telling me that you sometimes have to put a little distance between you and someone who does not respect your limits.
When we set boundaries in our lives, we are truly not focusing on the other person. These are decisions that impact our lives. The other person then has decisions to make that will impact their lives.
Boundaries Should Include Consequences
Once you have identified your triggers and limits, it’s time to set some consequences if your boundaries are crossed. Consequences should be communicated during the same conversation you have with the other person. Again, boundaries and consequences are not a form of punishment. It simply states what you will and will not allow in your life, and the outcome you plan to take should the other person cross the line.
[ctt_author author=”1601″ name=”” template=”2″ link=”raZD9″ via=”yes” nofollow=”yes”]To them, boundaries feel like a punishment. But for you my sista, it’s freedom.[/ctt_author]
Decide how you are going to bring this topic up with the other person, and clear and firm. Most of all, be prepared for a backlash. Have examples prepared of how this person has treated you in the past, and how you have tried to talk to them about it before. Let them know how their behavior makes you feel. Avoid being judgmental or overly critical. Remember, this is no longer about their behavior. This is solely about what you are going to tolerate in the future and the subsequent consequence. Boundaries are about choices and consequences.
When you have taken the time to determine the consequences for people who have crossed the line, be sure to stick with them. Saying something you are not prepared to follow through with only gives the appearance that you are not serious about your convictions. It further tells the other person they have permission to continue disrespecting you.
Benefits of Setting Boundaries
Putting people on notice is never an easy thing to do. It’s uncomfortable, messy, and embarrassing for some. However, it must be done if you are ever going to experience the respect you deserve and taken seriously. In fact, the more you do it, the easier it becomes until one day it is just a part of who you are. You will be able to stop bad behavior directed at you in its tracks, and people will immediately learn not to mess with you.
Setting boundaries will make you a better friend and partner because you are allowing them to fix their own problems and grow from them. You become less stressed and more self-aware, with the time and ability to do the things you want to do. Most of all, setting boundaries means that you are finally able to take care of yourself and your happiness.
